Little Red Headed Girl

This began as an outlet 2 years ago. I return in my dire need. Reaching for any and everything. Holding on desperately trying not to crumble to pieces.

I observed a little red headed girl, about 2 1/2 years old, having a melt down in Starbucks. Sobbing uncontrollably, like her life was over. The older brother who was about 5 not even paying attention to her and carrying on playing with all of the impulse items surrounding the cash register. At first I was annoyed, but then I wanted to know what it was in her life that was causing this melt down. Her mother kept telling her she could not have her pacifier, and her sobs grew louder. Her mother tried to distract her with a necklace, the sound of a bag of chips and anything else she could find. She kept telling her, "Don't think about it. Look at this. Wow!". It seemed to work for about 10 seconds then the little remembered wanting her pacifier. The mother kneeled down and soothed the child, "I know it's hard". It was actually laughable. Because the mother was very sincere when she said what she said, but you just knew she was rolling her eyes inside. I couldn't help but smile.
The mother stood up and continued to try to pay. Was busy fighting her 5 years old for the credit card because he was insistent on swiping it. The little girl was clutching her thigh. The mother pulled the little girl off of her thigh and she just stood there crying looking paralyzed with her back turned to her mother. So now you had a 5 year old boy doing his own thing, a mom trying to figure out how to be done with the situation and leave the cash register as soon as possible, and a little red head standing alone, having a meltdown so to speak. As soon as the mother was done with the transaction she leaned down, picked up the little girl and they waited for their drinks.

In that moment I thought, "That is me. That little red headed girl having a melt down is me".  The issue of not being with her pacifier was tearing her world to pieces. The brother symbolized for me everyone carrying on with their lives while mine was in shambles. The mother symbolized anyone who has tried to sympathize with me or comfort me. (ok, maybe people truly do hurt for me and it's not that cynical) But the mother also symbolized myself for me. I looked at her, I looked at the little girl, and I thought that is exactly how I feel and if it were socially acceptable I would be having a public meltdown clinging to the only person I feel safe with, my best friend. I thought to myself, what if I am doing that. In a different way, a telepathic emotional way. I try to stay away as much as possible. If she wanted me around she would make it happen. I feel like my internal melt down is pushing those I want closest to me, away.
I thought to myself, if only that little girl knew that it is not the end of her world, that it will pass and everything will be ok. If only I could be more like that mother to myself. Carry on with my life, address the melt down, tell myself don't think about it. View everyone else like the little brother. He loves his sister but he's not going to feed into and get consumed with her meltdown. He knows it will pass and there will always be another melt down. After all she is only 2 and he's 5 and so much wiser. If I could be like the mother and tell myself, I know it's hard. If my people could kneel down, touch my arm or hug me and tell me, I know it's hard.
I have been trying to distract myself for 2 years. And I just can't hold my attention anymore. Either I find a way with something stronger to distract myself or I work through the emotions and don't run from them.