Little Red Headed Girl

This began as an outlet 2 years ago. I return in my dire need. Reaching for any and everything. Holding on desperately trying not to crumble to pieces.

I observed a little red headed girl, about 2 1/2 years old, having a melt down in Starbucks. Sobbing uncontrollably, like her life was over. The older brother who was about 5 not even paying attention to her and carrying on playing with all of the impulse items surrounding the cash register. At first I was annoyed, but then I wanted to know what it was in her life that was causing this melt down. Her mother kept telling her she could not have her pacifier, and her sobs grew louder. Her mother tried to distract her with a necklace, the sound of a bag of chips and anything else she could find. She kept telling her, "Don't think about it. Look at this. Wow!". It seemed to work for about 10 seconds then the little remembered wanting her pacifier. The mother kneeled down and soothed the child, "I know it's hard". It was actually laughable. Because the mother was very sincere when she said what she said, but you just knew she was rolling her eyes inside. I couldn't help but smile.
The mother stood up and continued to try to pay. Was busy fighting her 5 years old for the credit card because he was insistent on swiping it. The little girl was clutching her thigh. The mother pulled the little girl off of her thigh and she just stood there crying looking paralyzed with her back turned to her mother. So now you had a 5 year old boy doing his own thing, a mom trying to figure out how to be done with the situation and leave the cash register as soon as possible, and a little red head standing alone, having a meltdown so to speak. As soon as the mother was done with the transaction she leaned down, picked up the little girl and they waited for their drinks.

In that moment I thought, "That is me. That little red headed girl having a melt down is me".  The issue of not being with her pacifier was tearing her world to pieces. The brother symbolized for me everyone carrying on with their lives while mine was in shambles. The mother symbolized anyone who has tried to sympathize with me or comfort me. (ok, maybe people truly do hurt for me and it's not that cynical) But the mother also symbolized myself for me. I looked at her, I looked at the little girl, and I thought that is exactly how I feel and if it were socially acceptable I would be having a public meltdown clinging to the only person I feel safe with, my best friend. I thought to myself, what if I am doing that. In a different way, a telepathic emotional way. I try to stay away as much as possible. If she wanted me around she would make it happen. I feel like my internal melt down is pushing those I want closest to me, away.
I thought to myself, if only that little girl knew that it is not the end of her world, that it will pass and everything will be ok. If only I could be more like that mother to myself. Carry on with my life, address the melt down, tell myself don't think about it. View everyone else like the little brother. He loves his sister but he's not going to feed into and get consumed with her meltdown. He knows it will pass and there will always be another melt down. After all she is only 2 and he's 5 and so much wiser. If I could be like the mother and tell myself, I know it's hard. If my people could kneel down, touch my arm or hug me and tell me, I know it's hard.
I have been trying to distract myself for 2 years. And I just can't hold my attention anymore. Either I find a way with something stronger to distract myself or I work through the emotions and don't run from them.

Help me make the most of FREEDOM

Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back.
Even while we sleep,
we will find you.

 Acting on your best behavior.
Turn your back on mother nature.
Everybody wants to rule the world.

It's my own demise.
It's my own remorse.
Help me to decide.
Help me make the most of freedom
and of pleasure.
Nothing ever lasts forever.
Everybody wants to rule the world.

There's a room where the light won't find you.
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down.
When they do I'll be right behind you.

So glad we've almost made it.
So sad they had to face it.
Everybody wants to rule the world.
-Everybody wants to rule the world / Lorde - Tears For Fears
https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=everybody+wants+to+rule+the+world+lorde

Rocket Man

They said it would pass. They said you'll be alright. As it turns out, .... no, it actually didn't turn out. Im a rocket man. I am so tired. I feel nothing. Just tired. And if I could write it all out, If I could purge everything out onto paper or out of these finger tips into these keys. I would leave it all here on the screen. I don't know what questions to ask therefore I don't know how to answer. Does it hurt more or does it hurt less now that some people know? I think it hurts more. All I know for sure is that it hurts.
I was a Rocket Man. I was a speeding train. But now, now I am just here and I am hurt. I stare at the screen and the screen stares back. There is nothing left I have to say, .... for now.

Human

To be there for others. The chubby lady at the guard post. She is new. I never thought to come in through the other side. The side that she mans. I stick to my automated gate and wave as I pass. But tonight was different. She always waves. She always smiles. I always pretend to half see her. But I see her. And tonight I thought, could I go out of my way to be interested. Instead of always rushing through acting as if she wernt worth my time to chat with for 30 seconds and ask how her day was. To get off of my pretentious high horse of "I'm too busy for you". You never know what your smile and interest in a person can give them. What it can give you. We are all here together and ultimately share similar struggles. Could we for a moment acknowledge we are part of each other, we are related, whether we like it or not and no matter how hard we fight it, we are connected.

Paving a new way.

Paving a new way. As I travel a new road is being dug out right before me. With an agenda I have new found purposes. They say for every negative action there is a positive reaction, I am starting to receive those. 

People look at me different, friends, strangers, family. It's not like a 'I pity you' look, It's just different. It could possibly be from what I am putting out there. But with family it has been the most evident. It's almost like only until now they have been given and have accepted permission to love me and show me that love and make it a point to tell me. I have always known I am loved, but for one reason or another there was a deep disconnect. But I stand here today, I walk in, your faces light up as if I were a baby taking my first steps, you reach out your arms to embrace me whereas before I felt as if I had to initiate it, to request it, to tell you it was ok, where I had to reach out to you. I allow and accept happily, wholeheartedly. 

Everyone seems open, no reservations. We're all family after all, right?

It is nice, the next generation is on the rise, I sense that we choose to know each other. That we know, we weren't really allowed the chance to really know each other and grow together and I sense that now we are older and choose for ourselves to make that happen, we want to make it happen. All the grown up shit, all the family politics do not exist in our world. Your generation is dying, the generation of Mafia, of Sides, of Ugly. A new era is dawning and even you know it. It is our job and responsibility to put back the pieces from such a strong disconnect. Jealousy, hate and discrimination within, against your own, ends now. 

Ready.

My head is in the right place. How long it will stay here I don't know. But I feel a stability. A secure foundation forming. The war will soon begin. My most difficult mental challenge. Casualties will ensue and I will be wounded deeply. I am Ready.

healing.

A few things I know. To heal within is in reach. A door and a voice found. A voice heard.
The journey begins as all things are possible. I only wish I was able to begin sooner. It took me almost three months to get there. To gain my strength back, mental clarity, search out and discover. And now I find myself here.
I could say it was was almost 2 years in the fog. Two years does not sound as if it were that long ago. But as I think back on the time and events passed, two years to me could just as easily have been ten.
If this moves forward successfully, I would say three months to capture a grasp on almost two years and throw in that little bonus present, is pretty fucking awesome.

I know anything is possible and what the mind believes it can achieve. That at one point in time man was made perfect and our ability to heal lies within. To tap into those sources has been a difficult challenge this time around. I believe I have found the key. It is time to walk through the door and grab onto to those beliefs. Flipping the bird to any who may say I can't, including myself.

I know there is life there, I can feel it. It is my sole job to regain it. To revive it. I can feel you. I can feel you working. I can feel you wanting to work more. Better. I hear you. And I am here to help you.

There is power in knowing this is out there.