Human

To be there for others. The chubby lady at the guard post. She is new. I never thought to come in through the other side. The side that she mans. I stick to my automated gate and wave as I pass. But tonight was different. She always waves. She always smiles. I always pretend to half see her. But I see her. And tonight I thought, could I go out of my way to be interested. Instead of always rushing through acting as if she wernt worth my time to chat with for 30 seconds and ask how her day was. To get off of my pretentious high horse of "I'm too busy for you". You never know what your smile and interest in a person can give them. What it can give you. We are all here together and ultimately share similar struggles. Could we for a moment acknowledge we are part of each other, we are related, whether we like it or not and no matter how hard we fight it, we are connected.

Paving a new way.

Paving a new way. As I travel a new road is being dug out right before me. With an agenda I have new found purposes. They say for every negative action there is a positive reaction, I am starting to receive those. 

People look at me different, friends, strangers, family. It's not like a 'I pity you' look, It's just different. It could possibly be from what I am putting out there. But with family it has been the most evident. It's almost like only until now they have been given and have accepted permission to love me and show me that love and make it a point to tell me. I have always known I am loved, but for one reason or another there was a deep disconnect. But I stand here today, I walk in, your faces light up as if I were a baby taking my first steps, you reach out your arms to embrace me whereas before I felt as if I had to initiate it, to request it, to tell you it was ok, where I had to reach out to you. I allow and accept happily, wholeheartedly. 

Everyone seems open, no reservations. We're all family after all, right?

It is nice, the next generation is on the rise, I sense that we choose to know each other. That we know, we weren't really allowed the chance to really know each other and grow together and I sense that now we are older and choose for ourselves to make that happen, we want to make it happen. All the grown up shit, all the family politics do not exist in our world. Your generation is dying, the generation of Mafia, of Sides, of Ugly. A new era is dawning and even you know it. It is our job and responsibility to put back the pieces from such a strong disconnect. Jealousy, hate and discrimination within, against your own, ends now. 

Ready.

My head is in the right place. How long it will stay here I don't know. But I feel a stability. A secure foundation forming. The war will soon begin. My most difficult mental challenge. Casualties will ensue and I will be wounded deeply. I am Ready.

healing.

A few things I know. To heal within is in reach. A door and a voice found. A voice heard.
The journey begins as all things are possible. I only wish I was able to begin sooner. It took me almost three months to get there. To gain my strength back, mental clarity, search out and discover. And now I find myself here.
I could say it was was almost 2 years in the fog. Two years does not sound as if it were that long ago. But as I think back on the time and events passed, two years to me could just as easily have been ten.
If this moves forward successfully, I would say three months to capture a grasp on almost two years and throw in that little bonus present, is pretty fucking awesome.

I know anything is possible and what the mind believes it can achieve. That at one point in time man was made perfect and our ability to heal lies within. To tap into those sources has been a difficult challenge this time around. I believe I have found the key. It is time to walk through the door and grab onto to those beliefs. Flipping the bird to any who may say I can't, including myself.

I know there is life there, I can feel it. It is my sole job to regain it. To revive it. I can feel you. I can feel you working. I can feel you wanting to work more. Better. I hear you. And I am here to help you.

There is power in knowing this is out there.